The "R" word...

So I am befuddled...

Why is the word "Relationship" such an off putting topic?!

Seems like alot of the guys out here in LA are so put off with being monogamous and just want to literally fuck around all time. I don't get it! It's like no one wants to be in a relationship; and yet those do, want to take their time. Fine, I understand you gotta make sure you two are compatible, appreciate each other's time and what have you. Granted, there are those who are scared about committing. That really bothers me...

Case in point. So, DM and I had entertained his idea of grabbing dinner at Mark's Restaurant a few Mondays ago. So he finally gets back to me and confirms he can do it. So then I was like great it's a dinner date. Which did not set well with him. He stated that it's not a date cause we're not dating. He knows I like him, but before he stated we're just friends for now. Okay, I accept that. But honestly a dinner date, does not mean we're dating. It's just that, a dinner date. It doesn't entail anything other than us having dinner. I didn't get what the big deal was.

Rebuttle. Then we hung out last weekend, caught a free screening on the movie lot (it was horrible!!! Don't ever see Meet the Spartans...so NOT worth it! Thankfully saw it for free! :P) then had dinner at Sonora Cafe. Which was a great place BTW! :D Anyways, so we got there early for our reservation and we go and have some drinks at the bar until our table was called. He tells me about a date he had with this younger guy from the CL ad he put up. He called that a date?! Um...okay...why won't he let me validate our times hanging out as dates?! Am I missing something here?!

Furthermore, I asked him out for Valentine's Day. I didn't call it a date in fear of labeling it would put him off from the whole idea. He said yes, but I've so far only acknowledged it as "hanging out." I really like him and, honestly, why would I ask if I wasn't interested? He asked me why him [as my v-day choice] and of course I said, "Cause you're an awesome guy and I enjoy hanging out with you." Clearly, I like him...I guess he wanted to hear me say it.

I wanted to see him this weekend too, but he had work today. I understand that. Work is important and I would never want to get in the way of it. And then tomorrow he is doing work from home whilst watching the Superbowl. I had hoped he would invite me over to just hang out and watch while he worked, but I guess that too might be troublesome since he has to focus on his work. That's fine. I'm okay with that. Maybe I'm just being a bit too needy at this point. I dunno?

Well, we'll see how this upcoming Saturday goes as he's attending my birthday celebration. If any of you that I know are in LA, let me know and I'll let you know where it's at if you wanna partake on the festivities. It should be fun!!! I really, really like DM. I just wish he would let me know if he feels the same way or if I'm just leading myself on. I know he said "just friends, for now," but that is so open ended!!! >:O Maybe I need to ask him like I did with MG (the guy who runs his own business). I'll have to think about that...Maybe on v-day...good a time as any right?! :T

Pardon the incongruity of this post...More soon on other things from this past month...but this has been on my mind as of late and I needed a sounding board...

fI

Sometimes...

Strangely enough today...I felt quite lonely. I ended up staying at work late, alone to try to get some work done (because honestly, I barely did any work all day even though I got in at 7:45AM after working out with J#1, ate my breakfast upstairs in the cafe, had a long lunch out for my coworker's birthday, a meeting we arrived late to due to lunch, et all). Sitting there at my desk, all of a suddent I was washed over with a huge feeling of loneliness. I think my being a social butterly takes its toll on me mentally. That's not to say I'm not happy and fine being alone from time to time, but there are times when you just wish you had someone or some place you could go and not feel alone, you know? Well it also probably didn't help that J#1 had expressed some news to me about his situation which really took the wind out of me and made me feel depressed. It broke my heart to hear what had said...I'm hoping he doesn't follow through with it. I'll honestly be really sad if he does go that route. Sorry, I know I'm being vague, but for good reason. It's like that saying goes, if you speak it, it will happen. I tried to be positive with him, but he was being a defeatist as my coworker had called it. It's frustrating to seem him in that state of mind. And as a friend, what can you do but try to make light of the situation; and unfortunately, he was stressed out and I called him out and said he was being irrational. "Irrational my ass!" he bellowed over IM. *sigh* Anyways...I barely ate anything for dinner and nearly didn't eat cause as I was texting CS he said you shouldn't eat after 7PM. 6:55PM. "You have 5 minutes eat eat eat." I replied "You're silly, I can't eat that fast!"

Okay...I'm just rattling now with a flow of consciousness. Maybe it's cause I'm tired...I should probably sleep now... I'll blog more...need to talk about "Paying It Forward," coworker's birthday lunch today, coming out to more friends and confusion of misdirected assumptions...

fI

P.S. That pic is of the (4) mini Hershey's Chocolate Bars with Almonds I consumed before writing this post. Are you jealous Drew?! hehe...Means I'm gonna have to do 100 more crunches now...:T

Empty...

How is it, that I had the time of my life over the last week and a half, felt liberated and free to express myself, totally and completely accepted only to come back and be haunted still...?

fI

Dejected...

So today marked the first week of my new job.

As well as a banner day for an ebb and flow of emotions.

This past Wednesday, I got daring and attended a speed dating event in West Hollywood (herein, WeHo). Suffice it to say, it was definitely an interesting time, with definitely a few stand outs in the crowd, in particular 3 guys. And of the 3 guys, 2 had expressed a mutual interest. The funny thing with this speed dating is that in order for you to be matched, both parties have to be in agreement. Yes, makes sense. But what didn't at the time is that those who were seated never got to meet any of the others that were seated so you kinda had to "cruise" the scene, but by that time the venue had music blaring and the lights off, so you couldn't really conduct a coherent conversation. Lucky for me my Fruit Flies (as the Twins have gotten dubbed by their friend) were patiently waiting for me outside of the venue. I took them in to meet one of the guys I took a liking to. Said guy had mentioned he'd be partying in WeHo this Friday, today.

So over the next few days leading to today, Friday, I was quite nervous as I had emailed both the guys that had responded; and yet neither have responded back. So my day was set with anticipation waiting for a response from the one guy who said he'd be partying in WeHo. All day I sat at the edge of my seat waiting for an email, a text or a phone call. It was quite abyssmal on my part to be on bated breath for a response. I get home from work and finally get a text from said guy. I got excited. And with that I set myself up for disappointment. Long story short, I obviously didn't end up going out as I'm sitting here typing this.

So now I have relegated my evening to watching DVD 1 of season 3 of Queer As Folk, wallowing in some Framboise (read: probably the whole bottle) and soon in a bag of Cheetos...What an awesome way to end a craptacular evening...

fI

Sooner than later or later than sooner?!

So I need to get my head sorted out...and here is likely the best place as any (not to mention none of my personnel support is up/around/available)...

Like I've mentioned previously, I'm totally coming to terms with things and am finding great comfort in just being completely honest and open with friends about myself and, in particular, my persuasion.

This weekend was no exception. Thursday, whilst at the International San Diego Comic Con, I happened upon the Lionsgate booth and while perusing with my college friend, Bub, the booth model caught my eye. He was gorgeous! Over 6', muscular and olive skinned. Beautiful. (I may just post this photograph of myself and the model for my big revealing...which I will discuss further below. *edit: cropped [for the time being] and posted above! :D). After being transfixed, I dragged Bub around the booth and continue past it. It was then I thought to myself, I'll just tell him now, as I really wanted my pic snapped with the said model. So I disclose and Bub, despite being a little shocked, was completely fine with it. We circled back and he snapped my photo with the model.

Interestingly enough, the incident above made the whole weekend easier for me as I didn't have to hide anything with Bub and he asked me what my ratio split is between guys and girls; and the answer to that is 70/30...which made me wonder...is there such a thing as gay-curious?! Since there's bi-curious; is there such thing as straight-curious (for ex-gays maybe?! Is there such thing as that as well?!)? Definitely perplexing...maybe I am totally gay and not just bi? I digress (this blog post is become a flow of consciousness at the moment)...

Anyways, before I rattle on, I should give more back story about why all this self-exploration is coming about. Last week, I partied in WeHo again for the umpteenth time; hitting up Rage, Fiesta Cantina and The Abbey. This evening started off my boldness, amongst other things. Liquid Courage was definitely an important part of that evening, as it helped me loosen up and get pretty out there. In my drunken state I: took a photo with the hot, (unfortunately I found out) straight security guard at The Abbey (he let me in the previous time sans my ID), let Dandy (friend from college who had been openly gay and told me after having first met him a long time ago) give me a lap dance (it was really nice btw! :D) as well as he and I grinding it on the dance floor (good times! ;D). Had an awesome evening and we topped it off at Swingers Diner as I still needed to sober up and drive home (at 3am mind you! :X).

*WARNING: It may get graphic starting in the next paragraph...you have been warned!!! :P

Fast forward to the next evening...I had finished with a friend's engagement party and it was decided us kids in attendance would hit Starbucks for some refreshments. So I headed off with a friend (*note: Straight boy) who hitched a ride to Starbucks, albeit early and we were the first arrivals. So we chit chat in the car and take a look at the photos from the previous evening. So we finish that and then I decided to get a bit frisky with this friend and put my hand on his upper thigh (mind you, we are still sitting in the car, about 20 feet from people in public and no, my windows are not tinted). I then worked my way further up, to his balls (which caused him to jerk back, for lack of a better word, in effect) and then I began to feel around thus finding what I was looking for. I start rubbing him through his shorts and query him, "So is this doing anything for you?". I continued rubbing him through his shorts, made some comment about unzipping him on the spot and he then tried to stop me by flicking my hand jokingly (?) to stop doing what I was doing. So I did. Then some friends did finally show up and the friend, after my prodding, did not want to head in to the store, so I put my hand back on his upper thigh and continued on my conquest. After this second visit, said friend decided it was time we got out of the car...end Bold Moment #1.

Next Scene: Bold Moment #2 - Setting: The next day. To get the pun out of the way, A1 Steak Sauce definitely has nothing on me, thanks to this day. Now with another friend (he's Bi), I tell the story of yesterday's antics and said friend makes it apparent he is getting hard from the retelling and redemonstration of said events. So friend queries me if I want to see it, seeing how he was already hard from the transpirings of previous events; so I agree. We mutually decide it's a "Show me yours, I'll show you mine" type of deal. So we both unzip and begin handling each other's goodies. I begin to notice that I'm enjoying this mutualistic moment more than friend. So in all fairness I asked him if he was nervous/okay and I swear I could totally hear him swallow the lump in his throat; we decided it went further than it should have and we both rezipped. That was the end of that...for now; at least according to that friend.

So I'm getting completely confused and discombobulated. I disclosed all this to ToBF and he made a good observation that "[I'm] probably making up for lost time." Which I think is definitely a spot-on description of what's happening as of late. But, back again to the assessment of my current situation. Can I be gay-curious? I think I'm completely beyond being bi and feeling things out. But before I decide, I think I need to figure out all the feelings in my head and that will also come along with my revealing.

So I'm completely done with hiding myself and I would totally be fine being out in the open and I think my confidence would completely be boosted if I completely reveal myself...August. That's soon...I will tell all (more?) then...

To be continued...

fI

Paying respects...

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Second Rate, Part 1...

So I'm gonna try not to be too prolific in this post but I have wondered the statistics...there is probably a line I'm going to cross and cross it I shall.

I have wondered about the true realities of racial profiling/racializing particularly in regards to the alternative lifestyle of being gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered.

I have faced two incidents recently that definitely make me feel like a second rate minority among minorities in Los Angeles.

I'm not sure if this if self induced dillusion or quite factual in all respects.

I know people are allowed their personal preference, tastes and attractions, but here is my issue...well I don't know how to explain, but I guess it boils down to my attraction and wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is of caucasian descent (and I know I've talked to this topic a few times over).

Well first off, let me state the non-obvious. I am Asian, specifically Filipino. So what you say?

Does that particularly matter much? Some may say no, others may say yes and then there are those who take no stance. I bet the fact that I just stated my ethnicity may have now likely put off a few people/readers...who knows?

Be it Match.com, Gay.com or CL, one thing's for sure, being a minority amongst minorities is quite abyssmal. Unless I'm a bottom hungry submissive twink or a overtly muscled steroidal gym rat, I have NO chance in hell in vying for the likes of anyone's time, caucasian or not.

Yes, my friends in the blogging world (or in general/real life) may prove me wrong (and I'm likely to get flack from ESJ, BFoL and BFoR, to name THE few who would), so far no one's really given me a reason not to be right in my assumptions. It is with the sad truth, it's like finding a needle in a haystack.

BFoL pointed out to me that he himself, being caucasian finds asian guys (specifically Filipino) to be completely in his preferences; and also points out that a mutual friend of ours' brother is with someone who is caucasian. Okay two out of what...a good million or so? That is nearly a 0.000002% percentile of men you are attracted to the minority.

If that's the case, then I'm in the totally wrong area and/or looking in all the wrong places. Maybe San Deigo is the spot since there is a heavy majority of minority (read: Filipinos) in concentration there. Hence, the likelihood of finding a mate that is interested in someone other than of their own persuasion...

I'll have to continue this post/rant at a later time...

fI

Long Time, No Post...

"It's been 7 hours and 15 days..." J/K Not really...well, maybe...almost.

And for that lack luster reference to Sinead O'Connor we kick the blog back into full gear!

So that last week I hadn't been feeling great at all and been completely drained to even do anything other than laying around and trying to recover. Work was painful staring at a screen 8 hours at a time all day and trying to concentrate. But you all get the jist of things...

Back to the Sinead reference. Went karaoke-ing with my coworkers one day after work last week...twas fun, despite being sick. Definitely needed that break between the monotony I know as my life.

But for now, until I get inspired (meaning: when I run out of chores to do in my apartment) I will write a full post. Just wanted to make sure I at least acknowledge that I am still alive and well (that's subjective). Probably get some more updates on myself, as far as where I currently stand on how I feel about my sexuality, as it has been lingering in my mind quite often these days...And so with that, the next post is to discuss how I really feel...

fI

Meanings and Realizations...

So I feel rejected, used and abused. Why you may ask? Well, let me tell you...

The last time I saw Mr. Right Now was October 23rd, when he came over and shared my evening with me to watch Heroes which was a great evening, that I don't doubt.

Now fast forward to today, two weeks later I haven't heard from him aside from a stray text on October 30th. Okay I don't know if I'm being clingy, said something wrong or I dunno what to think now from the days that all these thoughts and feelings transpired.

One thing I feel completely rejected, cause well, already having low self esteem, and then having gotten with Mr. Right Now, it was definitely going against what I have thought all along: that I am not hot or even have what it takes to find a boyfriend. And now this...being ignored. My self worth is fluctuating and it's definitely stammering my thoughts on whether I will be accepted regardless of looks...

Secondly, I feel used. Yes, used! My first time EVER with a guy was with Mr. Right Now, and I definitely feel like I was used as a quick lay. FUCK I'M STUPID! I gave it up so easy now that I look back. I didn't even stop him. And I guess that's where my previous thoughts had come up to tell him to slow down as I felt like I threw it all away in one night and it meant nothing to him. And my fears are definitely coming true. What I had thought was something special was taken from me and I will never get back. Ever.

Lastly...abused. I lay my whole self on the line...and for what? Losing "it" all in one night and a bj in the span less than a week. And two weeks later, what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I haven't had a thought spared for me the last two weeks. Not a text, not a call...nothing. I definitely feel embittered.

ESJ said to give Mr. Right Now benefit of the doubt, that hey may be busy. And I have tried to believe that. But in all honesty, how hard is it to call someone back and say that you are busy and that you'll get back to them as soon as you are free? Is it that hard?! I left him a message today:

"Hey, it's fI. Calling to say hi and see how you're doing. I haven't heard from you in a while, so I just wanted to catch up. I know you've been getting my phone calls. I mean if you don't want to talk to me ever again, that's fine I can understand. At least just tell me so I know. Thanks. I'll talk to you soon. Bye."

Okay, I know what you're thinking. That sounded desperate right? Well, if anything I want closure so I can just move the fuck on. That's all I want. I don't want to be strung along thinking there's something there (or that I thought something was there) and to only have my heart broken. What's even more fucked up is Mr. Right Now said he had been cheated on in his last relationship two years ago. I guess the shoe's on the other foot. Is it that hard to find a decent guy around here?

Is it?!...

fI

The Second...

So we finally got to hang out again after having a whirlwind time on Thursday evening.

I definitely enjoy his company, I know that for sure. I was anticipating it all day. Oh so very anxious, but I never let on to anyone really, even to him. I kept it inside like a prize for a job well done today at work (which by the way sucked monkey nuts as I was having a really bad case of the Mondays, which I should also mention a shout out to my coworker whom I think is hot for trying to cheer me up after my woes, but I digress...).

Was on my way to the gym and finally called him..."I just got up...Call me when you're done with the gym."

Finished up my cardio, then got into my car and called him back..."Hey I'm out to dinner right now, I'll call you when I'm done." So with that, I ran an errand to the ATM, then hopped on the freeway and as I got to my exit put in an order for my dinner..."It will be ready in 10 minutes." (Yum! Vegetarian Chinese food!). Got back to my apartment and lagged a bit online then showered and got going. Oh crap! 8:30PM! Way more than 10 minutes (mind you I called at 5 minutes before 8PM)! On my way there, he calls..."I'm home." Alright, I'll be there right after I pick up my food!Luckily, I got there in 5 minutes, looks like they were closing. Whoops! :X Anyways, headed straight for his place. Called him as I rounded the corner to his place..."Okay, I'll be out." He gets in, grabs my hand and goes for a kiss. A nice, sweet kiss. Oh how I miss him! :) He mentions that he was up until 8AM working on a project for a contractor job he does. Says he's only 45% done, and it took 4 days for him and his partner to even get that 45%. And unfortunately for him, it's due Wednesday. I felt bad. Well I won't keep you out too long! "It's okay. I told my partner I had to do my thing and he said he had to do his thing. So it works out."

We pull into my complex while holding hands then someone in the complex is in the parking lot and we quickly let go of each others hand. Sorry! "It's okay, I don't want to get shot!" *laughs* (If you knew where I lived you'd understand). So we park and head into my place as I unpack my dinner and put on Heroes. We both watch earnestly as I gobbled down my dinner and he watched and asked me questions about the show (which I liked! :D). In the middle of the show I got a phone call from my bi-best friend (I need better monikers for my friends...note to self: next post, run down on the list of characters). He has me sit down in front of him and proceeds to massage my back. He's made several comments about how tense I am (I blame it on work and partly due to the life changing event a while back, I still need to get a damn expensive massage though...oy!!! >_<). He embraces me as he finishes off the massage. I definitely enjoy his company. We end the show...

Studio 60 starts and well it's not as compelling as Heroes (albeit despite me having met D.L. Hugely whilst at the golf driving range, but that's another story I should save for next time). We end up continuing more massages and him biting me on the nape of my neck twice. Ouch! Kinda kinky, so I slapped him on the arm. *laughes* He then later pulls me down to the floor next to him and we begin to kiss. I stare into his eyes. "What?" Nothing...I just like looking at you. *giggles* He kisses me on the forehead. "My back is hurting, let's go to your bed." Okay.

We lay down on my bed perpendicular to sleeping position. "Why do you always do that?" *laughes* Sorry! We finally lay right and start kissing again...

...

I lay there collecting myself as he goes to the bathroom and rinses out. He comes back and we cuddle. "Was it good?" Yah, really good! *giggles* He kisses me again on the forehead and pulls my pants up and I pull my shirt down. "I should go." But I lay there staring eagerly into his eyes. *he giggles* "Aww!" and plants another kiss on my forehead. I really do miss him! So we get ready to go. Get into the car and drive him back as we hold hands. I pull a left nearing to his house and he says..."Give me a kiss." *muah* We continue to hold hands until he gets out. He rushes out hurridly.

So that was my night with Mr. Right. But one thing though (actually, maybe several). I haven't the nerve to tell him I wanna take it slower. I told ElSenorJesse (ESJ herein, and this is not his SN so don't go bothering him!) I was feeling a bit like a man whore as Mr. Right and I keep ending up on the bed. But ESJ calmed my fears, slightly, stating:

ESJ: i think if you enjoy each other's company and have fun, then [...] can be a part of that
ESJ: if you are meeting up just to [...] wordlessly then maybe it would be whorish
ESJ: but if u go out, hang out, talk, get to know each other
ESJ: and then have [...]
ESJ: thats not whoreish
ESJ: but on the other hand
ESJ: you may not be ready for too much [...]...
ESJ: and by that i mean if you are figuring things out in your head... abt being gay and all that, if you are gay or bi or whatever,
ESJ: then the good feelings of [...] may confuse u even further

You can figure out the ellipses yourselves. And I think ESJ is right. The latter part is confusing me. I mean it's great and all...but I don't want to be just about that all the time. The cuddling, frolicking and kissing is fine as it stands. That makes me more happy than anything. But throw in the [...] and it just throws me for a loop! I don't want to be a jerk either but ESJ thinks that it may work out for me, one of two ways: 1) "he'll either accept [my] wishes and be content to hang out and kiss" or 2) "he'll piss off... in which case he's not worth it anyway." So next time we hang out (likely on Halloween if he decides he wants to attend his friend's party with me in tow or we go and do something else), I think I need to bring it up so I have at least some sense of selfworth in this situation. Anyone else got thoughts on this?!

fI

Confused...

So I'm thinking about this whole coming out thing and seeing someone.

It actually made me sad tonight.

So let me play it out for you all...

Actually, some back story first...

Saturday night...I had made plans with Mr. Right to hang out on Monday, which by the way is Heroes night and I wanted to be able to share that with him. So by being forward thinking I suggested we meet up Sunday night as well because they were doing a marathon showing of the first three episodes of Heroes. Great idea right?!

Fast forward...

Sunday evenings...7:35PM Crap I'm late! So I hop into my car and head out to his place to pick him up. I call as I get onto the main street to his place...Hey, what's up! I'm on my way! *excited* "Oh...uhhh...What?!" Oh, you're not home? "Nope, I'm at my friends." I thought we were gonna hang out tonight too? "Yah I'm actually working on something at my friends. How about we still hang out tomorrow?" Okay that's fine. Talk to you later then. *click*

Wow. I felt dumb. So I sent him a text: "My bad! I assumed we were still hanging out tonight. Sorry! But I miss you still!" No response.

So I sorrily drove myself home to a lonely evening. I couldn't get my mind off it and thought I had totally fucked up somewhere. So I spent my night making my dinner, doing laundry, watching The Amazing Race and Desperate Housewives. Wallowing in self pity and loathing myself.

*Edit*

So I just texted him. "Good night! I hope you're not mad at me. I'm sorry. :("

Reply: "Lol no not at all why would i? Hehe night night handsome"

"I thought I was coming on too strong. That's all. Don't mind me. I just really miss having you around. I'm a loser.

Reply: "Lol no your not ok don't worry i miss you to"

Okay...maybe I'm too easy. Easily excited and easily depressed. I probably should slow down this relationship because I think I'm gonna set myself up to get hurt in the end if some how things sour (which I hope they don't at all...EVER!!!). Oh and it doesn't help that this is my first real relationship in this realm...well relationship at all perhaps. And I'm probably setting too many expectations especially when I don't know what he and I are at the moment...

Now I'm debating on whether to post this dillusional entry...I guess I'll keep it up for a day...and read it again thereafter and see how retarded I sound when I'm more logical...sleep away some of my fears...And to quote Danity Kane's Ride For You: "Maybe I'm foolishly overreacting...But being without you I can't imagine...What it takes to get through, I gotta stick with you, my baby..."

fI