Sunday, July 29, 2007

Sooner than later or later than sooner?!

So I need to get my head sorted out...and here is likely the best place as any (not to mention none of my personnel support is up/around/available)...

Like I've mentioned previously, I'm totally coming to terms with things and am finding great comfort in just being completely honest and open with friends about myself and, in particular, my persuasion.

This weekend was no exception. Thursday, whilst at the International San Diego Comic Con, I happened upon the Lionsgate booth and while perusing with my college friend, Bub, the booth model caught my eye. He was gorgeous! Over 6', muscular and olive skinned. Beautiful. (I may just post this photograph of myself and the model for my big revealing...which I will discuss further below. *edit: cropped [for the time being] and posted above! :D). After being transfixed, I dragged Bub around the booth and continue past it. It was then I thought to myself, I'll just tell him now, as I really wanted my pic snapped with the said model. So I disclose and Bub, despite being a little shocked, was completely fine with it. We circled back and he snapped my photo with the model.

Interestingly enough, the incident above made the whole weekend easier for me as I didn't have to hide anything with Bub and he asked me what my ratio split is between guys and girls; and the answer to that is 70/30...which made me there such a thing as gay-curious?! Since there's bi-curious; is there such thing as straight-curious (for ex-gays maybe?! Is there such thing as that as well?!)? Definitely perplexing...maybe I am totally gay and not just bi? I digress (this blog post is become a flow of consciousness at the moment)...

Anyways, before I rattle on, I should give more back story about why all this self-exploration is coming about. Last week, I partied in WeHo again for the umpteenth time; hitting up Rage, Fiesta Cantina and The Abbey. This evening started off my boldness, amongst other things. Liquid Courage was definitely an important part of that evening, as it helped me loosen up and get pretty out there. In my drunken state I: took a photo with the hot, (unfortunately I found out) straight security guard at The Abbey (he let me in the previous time sans my ID), let Dandy (friend from college who had been openly gay and told me after having first met him a long time ago) give me a lap dance (it was really nice btw! :D) as well as he and I grinding it on the dance floor (good times! ;D). Had an awesome evening and we topped it off at Swingers Diner as I still needed to sober up and drive home (at 3am mind you! :X).

*WARNING: It may get graphic starting in the next have been warned!!! :P

Fast forward to the next evening...I had finished with a friend's engagement party and it was decided us kids in attendance would hit Starbucks for some refreshments. So I headed off with a friend (*note: Straight boy) who hitched a ride to Starbucks, albeit early and we were the first arrivals. So we chit chat in the car and take a look at the photos from the previous evening. So we finish that and then I decided to get a bit frisky with this friend and put my hand on his upper thigh (mind you, we are still sitting in the car, about 20 feet from people in public and no, my windows are not tinted). I then worked my way further up, to his balls (which caused him to jerk back, for lack of a better word, in effect) and then I began to feel around thus finding what I was looking for. I start rubbing him through his shorts and query him, "So is this doing anything for you?". I continued rubbing him through his shorts, made some comment about unzipping him on the spot and he then tried to stop me by flicking my hand jokingly (?) to stop doing what I was doing. So I did. Then some friends did finally show up and the friend, after my prodding, did not want to head in to the store, so I put my hand back on his upper thigh and continued on my conquest. After this second visit, said friend decided it was time we got out of the car...end Bold Moment #1.

Next Scene: Bold Moment #2 - Setting: The next day. To get the pun out of the way, A1 Steak Sauce definitely has nothing on me, thanks to this day. Now with another friend (he's Bi), I tell the story of yesterday's antics and said friend makes it apparent he is getting hard from the retelling and redemonstration of said events. So friend queries me if I want to see it, seeing how he was already hard from the transpirings of previous events; so I agree. We mutually decide it's a "Show me yours, I'll show you mine" type of deal. So we both unzip and begin handling each other's goodies. I begin to notice that I'm enjoying this mutualistic moment more than friend. So in all fairness I asked him if he was nervous/okay and I swear I could totally hear him swallow the lump in his throat; we decided it went further than it should have and we both rezipped. That was the end of that...for now; at least according to that friend.

So I'm getting completely confused and discombobulated. I disclosed all this to ToBF and he made a good observation that "[I'm] probably making up for lost time." Which I think is definitely a spot-on description of what's happening as of late. But, back again to the assessment of my current situation. Can I be gay-curious? I think I'm completely beyond being bi and feeling things out. But before I decide, I think I need to figure out all the feelings in my head and that will also come along with my revealing.

So I'm completely done with hiding myself and I would totally be fine being out in the open and I think my confidence would completely be boosted if I completely reveal myself...August. That's soon...I will tell all (more?) then...

To be continued...



Spamouflage said...

Good for you. I never had the, well, balls to do something like this but look at you! Wow. Your sweet moves should come with a dance.

TheDreamer said...

Ah, welcome to slut phase. It's great fun. As your friend noted, it is when you get to make up for lost time and behave very badly indeed. I look forward to hearing more...

Bobby Vanquish said...

fI - you're gay - no 70/30, it's 100/0. Admit it. It's 2007. We're all over it now.
If you were to sit alone with just you and your thoughts, admit it, you'd realise that too.
For now you're too scared to admit it. Which is odd because deep down you know that no-one's going to think any less of you as a result.
Stop running.
Pull out your towel, lay it down and think as you're lying there.
What is is that you really want? Do you want to go out with girls to make the guys jealous?
Or is it the guys who you're secretly after?

On here there is nothing but honesty. Be honest.

Mattay said...

dude....what bobby vanquish said.

you need to quit torturing yourself and just admit what i've known for a long time: u gay.

more on this when we next speak / write.

hugs from the East Coast!