Second Rate, Part 1...

So I'm gonna try not to be too prolific in this post but I have wondered the statistics...there is probably a line I'm going to cross and cross it I shall.

I have wondered about the true realities of racial profiling/racializing particularly in regards to the alternative lifestyle of being gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered.

I have faced two incidents recently that definitely make me feel like a second rate minority among minorities in Los Angeles.

I'm not sure if this if self induced dillusion or quite factual in all respects.

I know people are allowed their personal preference, tastes and attractions, but here is my issue...well I don't know how to explain, but I guess it boils down to my attraction and wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is of caucasian descent (and I know I've talked to this topic a few times over).

Well first off, let me state the non-obvious. I am Asian, specifically Filipino. So what you say?

Does that particularly matter much? Some may say no, others may say yes and then there are those who take no stance. I bet the fact that I just stated my ethnicity may have now likely put off a few people/readers...who knows?

Be it Match.com, Gay.com or CL, one thing's for sure, being a minority amongst minorities is quite abyssmal. Unless I'm a bottom hungry submissive twink or a overtly muscled steroidal gym rat, I have NO chance in hell in vying for the likes of anyone's time, caucasian or not.

Yes, my friends in the blogging world (or in general/real life) may prove me wrong (and I'm likely to get flack from ESJ, BFoL and BFoR, to name THE few who would), so far no one's really given me a reason not to be right in my assumptions. It is with the sad truth, it's like finding a needle in a haystack.

BFoL pointed out to me that he himself, being caucasian finds asian guys (specifically Filipino) to be completely in his preferences; and also points out that a mutual friend of ours' brother is with someone who is caucasian. Okay two out of what...a good million or so? That is nearly a 0.000002% percentile of men you are attracted to the minority.

If that's the case, then I'm in the totally wrong area and/or looking in all the wrong places. Maybe San Deigo is the spot since there is a heavy majority of minority (read: Filipinos) in concentration there. Hence, the likelihood of finding a mate that is interested in someone other than of their own persuasion...

I'll have to continue this post/rant at a later time...

fI

Christmas Tag!

Darn you Dan! Please blame Dan over at SlowLaneDan.com for your demise... *evil grin*

The rules:

1. The player with this game starts with “3 wishes he/she would love to get for Christmas” and also has a list of “3 wishes he/she definitely does not want for Christmas” -- DONE!

2. Then he/she tags 5 friends and list their names. -- DONE!

3. The ones who get tagged need to write on their blogs about their Christmas wishes, as well as state this rules clearly, then tag 5 more victims. -- DONE!

4. And the ones who tag need to leave a comment that says, “You’ve been Christmas tagged!” in their comments and tell them to read your blog. -- DONE!

Here goes nothing...

Wishes:
1) A man (read: boyfriend) for this holiday season to hug, cuddle and kiss over and over again...
2) A safe surgery and a speedy recovery or better yet, not to have my current condition...
3) All my debt to be paid off, magically...

Non-Wishes:
1) Clothes from parents (they need a lesson in style)...
2) Dolphin paraphernalia (long story)...
3) To not have a man and not have for him this holiday season to not have to hug, cuddle and kiss over and over again (was there enough double negatives in that?)...

Victims:
Overnight in New York (JP Mac), Bobby's Body (Bobby), Accidental Activist, Bryn's So Called Life (Bryn), I Think I Might Be Gay (Tim)...and for good measure Micifus (Phil)!

Sorry guys...I love you all...don't hate me!!! Oh and an early Merry Christmas?! >_<

fI

It wasn't just a dream...

Okay, I'm going to lift that hiatus I mentioned a few posts ago as I'm living it up like...well...you know...Anyways...

So tonight I went and saw a special engagement pre-screening of Dreamgirls at The Arclight (beautiful theatre btw, assigned seating, delicious carmel corn, alcohol in the theatre during certain moving showings. GOOD STUFF!) in Hollywood with my best friend (not BFoR or BFoL) and his cousins and sister in tow. Sister and girl cousin went to see The Holiday and best friend, guy cousin and I saw Dreamgirls at the Cineramadome.

Also got some schwag with the hefty $25 ticket price: a lithograph limited to 42K prints and a Dreamgirls glossy program of sorts. Not bad incentives to see it a few days before it opens.

So before I forget, thanks to my best friend for bringing me a lamb sandwich (tasty morsels!) to eat, but with my current condition, I rarely have an appetit, if at all, sadly.

And back to the movie, despite the peanut gallery that sat behind us whom hooted and hollered throughout the movie like it was an episode of Showtime at the Apollo, the movie was visually stunning (maybe it was the digital projection?), beautiful set design, costumes, and the best part: amazing singing. Especially by Jennifer Hudson playing Effie White (accolades to Jennifer Holliday for setting the bar high) totally took the role and signature song and rocked it out! I nearly cried when she was singing "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" (the subject of the post previous to this one) but I didn't, cause well my friends were right next to me.

If I had to rate the move on a scale of 1-10, 9 - for SUCCESSFULLY porting a Tony Award Winning Broadway musical to the silver screen.

As for Booyence getting the nod for lead actress of the film, I say BULLSHIT!!! She was only in the movie for 1/3 of the movie, with 2/3 of the movie being Jennifer Hudson carrying the movie, whom only got a supporting actress nod (and I hope the overstated diva doesn't win that, she doesn't deserve it; it belongs to Ms. "Effie" Hudson). Girl got robbed!!! Damn diva status *shakes fist in air*!!! Anyways, I digress...

Definitely would watch it again a second time to get any more nuances and to enjoy the film sans peanut gallery...Anyone wanna go with me? ;)

fI

P.S. Forgot to mention, my friend and I spotted Kathy Griffin, in attendance (she's short!). Not sure if anyone else recognized her...but I did and so did my friend. And also another honorable mention to the male couple in front of us during the movie...made me bitter in the sense I wish I went to see the movie with my non-existent man. Speaking of men, there was a TON of eye candy...oh man...would cruising in the lobby shop of the theatre be considered a indecent exposure? ;)

Appropriate...

"And I am telling you

I'm not going,

Even though the rough times are showing.

There's just no way,

There's no way..."

fI

And so it is written...

...January 9th, 2007.

fI

My only scare...

Right now, the only thing that is worrying me...

...is not waking up in the morning.

fI

P.S. Many thanks to those of you (in no particular order: Matt from Debriefing the Boys, Bobby from Bobby's Body, Accidental Activist, ESJ one of my best mates, Tim from I Think I Might Be Gay, Paul from YarravillePaul, et all) for your well wishes during this very testing time of my health, my sanity and my patience. (Apologies if I forgot to mention you...I'm not all here at this time...)

Hiatus...

So to my few (is that right?) loyal readers, I am unfortunately going to have to put my blog on a hiatus for the time being.

I have been diagnosed for my constant, persistent headaches as of Thursday, December 8, 2006.

I have a localised (does that mean benign?) brain tumor at my skull base which is causing mass pressure on my brain and on my brain stem/spinal column, hence the persistent headache.

Was also told I had it for a while now as it is about 3-4 CM (the size of a golfball in one area), but it is only within the time frame of the last two weeks that it has grown to a considerable amount, enough for it to cause me pain.

Yesterday was definitely a taxing evening having to have gotten the news in the morning, reacting, getting copies of my MRI to take to the ER, getting to the ER, then get poked, proded and crashing (the other kind and not the overnight kind, thankfully!) at the ER.

So yah, this is to let you all know that I haven't disappeared and promise that I'll be back better than ever. Hopefully sooner than later, as I'm not really purportedly scheduled until early January to have anything done. So here goes...*click*

fI

P.S. In the mean time, support the blogs of my friends to the right...they're just as or even more awesome than I am. If I was awesome at all to you, that is...

Third Brush...

"Middle school marked a change in practice: Physical Education (herein P.E.).

The American School system's age old attempt to instill life long practices of fitness, competitiveness and health.

Yes, middle school was definitely a mark for him as P.E. was not only about the aforementioned but also consisted of the undressing and dressing of pre-pubescent boys, several of which may have hit puberty earlier than others.

The locker room turned into a stomping ground of many boys undressing, dropping trow, frolicking in the showers and roaming without abandon.

Getting ready for P.E. and redressing at it's close were definitely two adequate times for lots of head turning and eye fixations. In particular for him, his adjacent lockermate, Billy B.

Billy B. was definitely a fine specimen of a strapping young man in the making. Frost white blonde, squarish jaw, an impending musculature that showed it's iminent potential and abs you could definitely take a load of laundry to.

As coy as Billy B. was, didn't know he was an object of eventual lustful thoughts and perversion. It was with luck that the said lockermate would be lucky enough in the lapse of the year to catch glimpse. A glimpse of what you may ask?

One day as Billy B. was attempting to ready to redress himself, it happened. Billy B.'s tighty whities tented ever so slightly, at the most perfected angle to expose his manhood. A tuft of matching frosty white blonde hair atop what appeared to be a flaccid four inch penis. He found it difficult not to stare as he had never seen any other as close or as fully realized as the one he bore witness to that day (other than his own of course).

Billy B. didn't notice, but he exposed himself that day to him. It was beautiful. Engrained in his memory that day. A glimpse of another boy's penis. He still can recall Billy B.'s smirkish smile, his toned body, the abs...and...that penis in his memory..."

fI

Lookin' fly...

So the other day, I decided to sorta look dressy casual for work...A nice half zippered sweater from Gap with dark jeans from the Gap and nice dark brown leather step in shoes from Kenneth Cole Unlisted :

Full body shot...

The nice sweatshirt from Gap...

The Gap jeans and Kenneth Cole Unlisted shoes...

So the real story here is that, I'm not the only one who dressed up nicely. As I'm sitting at my desk, minding my own business when my co-worker (herein Susy) says, "Hey, we're twins!" and my other co-worker walks in on the conversation and gives me the look down. "Even the shoes!" she further exclaims. She had a v-neck sweater of the same color, dark jeans and dark brown heels in nearly the same hue as my shoes!!! O_O Man, did I feel majorly gay (not that there's anything wrong with it), but the fact I actually pulled together a decent outfit for once. Haha...guess I'm getting more comfortable with myself! :D

fI

Second Brush...

"The Sunday paper was always interesting, for several different reasons.

For the Sunday funnies that always managed to get a chuckle out of him.

Then there were the Sunday ads for the various department stores...JC Penny, Mervyn's, Target...

Target always seem to have a revealing display of men's undergarmet ads.

Beautiful, toned and tanned men with their gorgeous ripped abs framed by various undergarments on sale for the week.

It was always 'inspired' him to want to look like these men. Their biceps, triceps, chest...and a part of men you don't always see...Their abs.

In various sizes, sometimes six and sometimes eight; but always something to marvel at.

And another bonus, varying densities of their treasure trails.

Also not to mention the varying sizes of the buldges that their undergarments contained.

He had an amazing imagination. So it wasn't too hard for him to imagine these men completely undressed or comparing his size to theirs...

He collected these images, carefully cutting out every man and pasting it to a piece of cardboard so that he can collect them every weekend, imagining and marveling for as long as he wanted..."

fI

First Brush...

"He sits there watching a foreign movie with his mother.

She asks him to cover his eyes during a scene in the movie.

He peeks slightly, of course, in curiosity as to what he wasn't supposed to see...

A man and a woman having sex, he later realized.

Immediately, his attention is focused on the man...his beautiful body, glistening with every motion.

He didn't catch much of the rest of the movie as it was past his bed time and fell asleep in his mother's lap.

Later during that week, he is home alone and finds that same movie to rewatch. He speeds through the film to find that same, exact scene and rewatches it. He begins to fantisize about the man in the movie. Again, that beautiful, glistening body capturing his full and complete attention. Beautiful.

Just beautiful.

He never thought anything wrong about his admiration for the beautiful man. Not then..."

fI

Closure...

So after a good 3 or 4 weeks now, I've finally given myself closure.

I've stricken Mr. Right Now from my cell phone, from Myspace, from Y! Messenger and almost soon enough, from my feelings.

Speaking of moving on, hopefully soon I will be going on a date with my next hopeful Mr. Right candidate. And hopefully get a little more connected with him and take things a little bit slower...definitely want this to be more of a long term relationship rather than some unknowing, naive, one night stand. And it sounds like the new Mr. Right candidate, just might be the one...we'll find out! :)

Well, with that, I am unfortunately going to make this entry short. Lately I'm not feeling very lengthy in my entries...but rather many different entries, rather than one entry every blue moon, right?!

And Lastly...

Random factoid: "The US and Australia are tied on being the gayest countries." (That's for you Dan! ;D) That's from Great Things About Being Queer, a 60 minute show showcasing 20 great things by being gay and the aforementioned random factoid. :D Oh and one other notable one was, #5 - You Get To See Everyone Naked! Hahaha ;)

fI

P.S. And I have to mention, Matt from Dudetube for some good advise on my closure with Mr. Right Now. Thanks Matt! :D

Long Time, No Post...

"It's been 7 hours and 15 days..." J/K Not really...well, maybe...almost.

And for that lack luster reference to Sinead O'Connor we kick the blog back into full gear!

So that last week I hadn't been feeling great at all and been completely drained to even do anything other than laying around and trying to recover. Work was painful staring at a screen 8 hours at a time all day and trying to concentrate. But you all get the jist of things...

Back to the Sinead reference. Went karaoke-ing with my coworkers one day after work last week...twas fun, despite being sick. Definitely needed that break between the monotony I know as my life.

But for now, until I get inspired (meaning: when I run out of chores to do in my apartment) I will write a full post. Just wanted to make sure I at least acknowledge that I am still alive and well (that's subjective). Probably get some more updates on myself, as far as where I currently stand on how I feel about my sexuality, as it has been lingering in my mind quite often these days...And so with that, the next post is to discuss how I really feel...

fI

Eye Candy v3.0...

Yet another hottie on the screen...

The hottie Oliver Queen aka the Green Arrow aka Justin Hartley, who can claim his initial fame from having filmed the Aquaman pilot slated for The CW (and unfortunately was not picked up by the network, so we are without this hottie consistently out of a t-shirt and his skivvies). But luckily for us, The CW contacted this hottie immediately when the role as the Green Arrow opened up (thank God for that!) :D Watch him as he flies around clad in leather and brandishes his bows and arrows causing him to flex his ripped biceps as he pulls back on the bowstrings of not only the bow but as well as our hearts and our dreams...

More images of Mr. McDreamy here...:D

fI

I Wish...

I wish I was still standing there...in that spot...before any of this happened...

I wish...

fI

Eye Candy v2.0...

And to soothe my bruised ego and console my tainted heart...I give you some eye candy!!! Courtesy of Season 3, Episode 9 of Entourage, I give you Ken the Massuer...

Played by Johann Urb, he was a pleasant surprise at the end of the episode! :D Who knew over-complimenting a straight man would in turn open him up to the idea of sacking together!!! ;) And with that, where do I find my new Mr. Right who will do just that (well, after we've gotten to know each other)?! This post is definitely not to demean my last post "Meanings and Realizations," but I couldn't resist this hot piece of man that adorned my computer screen this evening...*drools*

fI

Meanings and Realizations...

So I feel rejected, used and abused. Why you may ask? Well, let me tell you...

The last time I saw Mr. Right Now was October 23rd, when he came over and shared my evening with me to watch Heroes which was a great evening, that I don't doubt.

Now fast forward to today, two weeks later I haven't heard from him aside from a stray text on October 30th. Okay I don't know if I'm being clingy, said something wrong or I dunno what to think now from the days that all these thoughts and feelings transpired.

One thing I feel completely rejected, cause well, already having low self esteem, and then having gotten with Mr. Right Now, it was definitely going against what I have thought all along: that I am not hot or even have what it takes to find a boyfriend. And now this...being ignored. My self worth is fluctuating and it's definitely stammering my thoughts on whether I will be accepted regardless of looks...

Secondly, I feel used. Yes, used! My first time EVER with a guy was with Mr. Right Now, and I definitely feel like I was used as a quick lay. FUCK I'M STUPID! I gave it up so easy now that I look back. I didn't even stop him. And I guess that's where my previous thoughts had come up to tell him to slow down as I felt like I threw it all away in one night and it meant nothing to him. And my fears are definitely coming true. What I had thought was something special was taken from me and I will never get back. Ever.

Lastly...abused. I lay my whole self on the line...and for what? Losing "it" all in one night and a bj in the span less than a week. And two weeks later, what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I haven't had a thought spared for me the last two weeks. Not a text, not a call...nothing. I definitely feel embittered.

ESJ said to give Mr. Right Now benefit of the doubt, that hey may be busy. And I have tried to believe that. But in all honesty, how hard is it to call someone back and say that you are busy and that you'll get back to them as soon as you are free? Is it that hard?! I left him a message today:

"Hey, it's fI. Calling to say hi and see how you're doing. I haven't heard from you in a while, so I just wanted to catch up. I know you've been getting my phone calls. I mean if you don't want to talk to me ever again, that's fine I can understand. At least just tell me so I know. Thanks. I'll talk to you soon. Bye."

Okay, I know what you're thinking. That sounded desperate right? Well, if anything I want closure so I can just move the fuck on. That's all I want. I don't want to be strung along thinking there's something there (or that I thought something was there) and to only have my heart broken. What's even more fucked up is Mr. Right Now said he had been cheated on in his last relationship two years ago. I guess the shoe's on the other foot. Is it that hard to find a decent guy around here?

Is it?!...

fI

Danger, danger Gym (Robinson)!?

Despite being a bit tired and what have you from a tumultuous night of sleep and a long day at work processing data, RFP's (Requests For Proposals) kicking my butt and IO's (Insertion Orders) laughing in my face -- I hit the gym tonight (even if for at least half an hour this time around).

I park my car and walk towards the front door of the gym. My mp3 player in tow, got my tunes bumping to get me hyped for a run. I check in at the counter and for the first time since I've gone to the gym, the guy at the counter asked for my ID (to my confusion). Anyways, back to the story.

I wander down the row of treads to the second set in the corner (which I might add are WAAAY too close to the mirrors on the wall, I'll have to explain this in a second). So I find a tread and get on it, pull out all the stuff in my pockets: my phone, my keys, my wallet and some change. And start the tread. I take off my sweater then attempt to strap on my mp3 player and it's holster on my left arm. I speed up the tread. After trying to get it on was a task...and then it happened.

The music stopped. It was silent and I can hear all the ambient noise around me. Oh NO! I pull out the mp3 player and try to start it again..."Low battery." CRAP! I try once more, no dice. So I proceed to remove the holster off my arm and lay it on the tread...and then it REALLY happened.

I pull the headphones off from around my ears and missed putting it completely on the tray of the tread. The right headphone fall down towards the tread path as I'm running and I attempt to grab it. BAD IDEA!!! The left heaphone follows, then the whole case! As I'm watching this this, my first instinct was to try to pick it up as the TREAD IS STILL GOING!!! I'm trying my hardest to avoid tripping on the whole mess when I realize I being to lose my footing! As I start to lose momentum and what was beginning to look bad, I was able to straigten myself and hit the emergency stop button...

But that didn't stop fast enough as the tread continued to roll as I nearly flew off and slid off the tread nearly tripping into the adjacent wall. I pick up my headphones, mp3 player and holster and jump back on the tread as if nothing happened.

Be careful where you tread!!! X_X haha

fI

P.S. A teaser of next season's (Season 4) The OC:

Look at that tasty morsel, Ryan Atwood aka Benjamin McKenzie...his new haircut makes him quite hot as usual! There was an earlier portion of this scene of him washing his hands at a sink and his gorgeous arms were flexed. Beautiful piece of man right there!!! :D

Happy Birthday to BFoR and Hallow's Eve...

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The one night...

Today, in general was fun and tiring, all at the same time. Staying up late until 3AM to clean up your apartment, pack and get ready for the next day, is definitely not fun. Period. I digress...anyways...

So today I woke up at 7:30AM to go volunteer for an organization that does alot of work with the youth of the community. We were required to dress up as per my College buddy that I work with (now he needs a moniker) requested. So I obliged and recycled my costume from last year (in which I was dressed up as Stitch from Lilo & Stitch, hands and ears and all). Got there on time at 9:30AM with NO ONE IN SIGHT!!! Thanks College Buddy/Co-Worker (from herein CBCW)!!! Called him to find out he hadn't left his place yet (okay, granted it's like 5-10 minutes away from the location we were having the event at).

So as I'm standing out on the sidewalk waiting for him to show (as I had agreed to do before his arrival, over the phone) a guy is making his way down from the same parking lot I parked in. I'm trying not to watch him as he makes his way over and he look at me and says, "Hi!" as if I knew him (later during the event he introduces himself, cool I know his name now!). Quite a handsome chap, I must say!!! :D (What can I say, I'm putty when it comes to handsome men givinig me attention ;D). So the event wears on, help set up tables, chairs, put balloons on chairs with lightening speed (people need to learn how to use slip knots to help them speed thigns up). So finally my other friend I invited to the event shows up, so now I finally have someone to talk to (I know I'm anti-social when it comes to these things). Got to play with the cutest little boy who had a cute little gorrilla suit on. That was fun playing with him...can't wait to have my own kids! :D

Anyways, end the day and headed down to hang out with BFoL and go shopping for a gift for BFoR's birthday. Anyways, I digress. I hung out with BFoL and ran some errands at Costco, then Target, then attempted to reclaim some money by putting in a return to The Container Store, but I forgot my receipts on my desk at work (dammit!!!). So we just headed back and chilled at BFoL's apartment until I left for my party. And this is where it gets interesting...

So I get to the party a bit early (8:30PM by now only cause I know if I waited any longer I would lose all will to even go after having stayed up til 3AM to finish my costume, which btw was cleaver, but people had to ask...will post pics later). So get to the party and hang out with my friend until our other friends show up. Did a little catching up with a few old friends here and there. I was actually going to come out to one of my friends who was at the party, who's gay and well I figured he'd be accepting if I told him that I was bi-curious. But that failed as the party went into full swing as I left at 11:30PM. But I have to say the guy dressed as Hugh Heffner, brown-blonde short cut hair, well groomed and quite dashingly handsome was definitely HOT. MAN!!! I wanted a picture of him soo badly! And then he helped me out with my drinks at the party's psuedo bar. "Make sure to tip your bartenders." Here's a dollar. "Thanks!" *drools* haha...I would tip him...too bad I couldn't slip the tip down his pants...MMMMMM!!! Hahah...sorry, I digress. Anyways, like I said I left the party at 11:30PM much to the chagrin of several friends and definitely to the dismay of the hostess. I nearly got brave and nearly told her about me. Oh well, another time, another day! Headed back to BFoL's apartment...

Got to BFoL's apartment, when BFoR strolls back from his day (he and BFoL live in the same apartment back at my old college, they're younger btw). I give BFoR a huge hug as I haven't seen him in forever (well, a few weeks). So it was quite an awesome sight! BFoR ended up telling BFoL and I about his last two days, so it was great to hear. And then midnight rolled around so we celebrated it with some French Monk liquor from BFoR's now ex-girlfriend. Tasty (but I could do w/o the after burn and tingling sensation that lasted for a few minutes even with an OJ chaser)! So I retire with the recollection of my last day of activities. And next up...I'll have to get back to you on that...I had a movie review entry which I probably will post up next instead...

fI

P.S. Tomorrow, BFoR is having his b-day get together at his parent's house. Should be fun...probably have some stories if hC (hottie Christian from my "Eye Candy" entry from October 8th)...So we'll see...maybe there might be some new eye candy...

Cast of Characters...And then some!

So let me take this time to rundown a cast of characters, per se. I haven't really established a who's who, except for ESJ.

- Mr. Right (actually Mr. Right Now, until I figure things out): Younger guy I'm currently seeing...
- ElSenorJesse aka ESJ: An awesome friend who knows more about me than the common bloke and helps me understand what I don't...
- Best Friend on the Left aka BFoL: the bi best friend...since he's more liberal goes on the left...
- Best Friend on the Right aka BFoR: the Christian best friend...for his religion, which is to the right...
- Craigslist Movie Guy aka CLMG: Older guy I saw a movie with nearly a month and a half ago (important continuing storyline as he contacted me again the last two days, possible story on that after the list)...

So...where did I leave off? Oh yah...so the last few days CLMG contacted me again, saying he wanted to meet up and hang out and what have you. I haven't been quite honest with him and well trying to find a good reason not to go out with him as well. I think Mr. Right Now is definitely a good reason not to go out with him. And aside from the fact the guy is a bit older and well not my type. If I knew for a fact he wanted to go as friends to the movies, then maybe but at this point he knows that I hadn't done anything with a guy (which has changed) and found that it was quite intriguing that I haven't (at this point I'm a novelty).

And again today while i was with BFoL at Costco and enjoying my pepperoni pizza (thanks Dan for subliminally putting the thought of pizza in my mind with your last two blog entries!!! :p) I got a text from CLMG to see if I wanted to go see a movie. Of course that wasn't gonna happen since I was no where in town and well, at this point, I'm not willing to tread that territory 'til I'm sure he doesn't want to be more than just friends (which I'd happily oblige to do). Anyways, point is thanks, but no thanks. And my apoligies for leading him on (or at least what feels like I am doing). And while I'm at it...went to a Halloween party tonight, another new blog rater than an update to an old post! :D

fI

Disclaimer...

So I edited my original previous post entitled "The Second..." but felt hampered that my flow of thoughts were being impeded by a comment posted on my blog. Hence I was censoring my post.

BUUUUUTTTT...ESJ, a buddy I definitely trust, talked some sense into me. I shouldn't censor my blog because it's real, it's what's going on in my head and I shouldn't be ashamed of how I'm feeling. And in all honesty, I mean no disrespect to Mr. Right, but I'm still in turmoil about my situation and I'm trying to understand myself...So without further adieu, the following was a preface to the previous post...

*Edit: So this is a somewhat edited version of my current entry. I guess in my defense, I post some of the details, definitely those that did stand out in my mind and were the meat in the evening. I don't feel that I'm broadcasting everything for everyone to hear, as this is at the end of the day, my blog, my diary of what's going on with me with a world I am not sure I am ready for or used to. So be it that people all across the world may read this, but no one knows me here personally 'cept for a chosen few and they know who they are. They are trusted with with the more in depth, personal side of things. If anything I do say offends you so be it, this is a like a flow of consciousness at times to air what I just don't understand yet. I say it how it happens, sometimes more truthful than need be...but I digress....

fI

The Second...

So we finally got to hang out again after having a whirlwind time on Thursday evening.

I definitely enjoy his company, I know that for sure. I was anticipating it all day. Oh so very anxious, but I never let on to anyone really, even to him. I kept it inside like a prize for a job well done today at work (which by the way sucked monkey nuts as I was having a really bad case of the Mondays, which I should also mention a shout out to my coworker whom I think is hot for trying to cheer me up after my woes, but I digress...).

Was on my way to the gym and finally called him..."I just got up...Call me when you're done with the gym."

Finished up my cardio, then got into my car and called him back..."Hey I'm out to dinner right now, I'll call you when I'm done." So with that, I ran an errand to the ATM, then hopped on the freeway and as I got to my exit put in an order for my dinner..."It will be ready in 10 minutes." (Yum! Vegetarian Chinese food!). Got back to my apartment and lagged a bit online then showered and got going. Oh crap! 8:30PM! Way more than 10 minutes (mind you I called at 5 minutes before 8PM)! On my way there, he calls..."I'm home." Alright, I'll be there right after I pick up my food!Luckily, I got there in 5 minutes, looks like they were closing. Whoops! :X Anyways, headed straight for his place. Called him as I rounded the corner to his place..."Okay, I'll be out." He gets in, grabs my hand and goes for a kiss. A nice, sweet kiss. Oh how I miss him! :) He mentions that he was up until 8AM working on a project for a contractor job he does. Says he's only 45% done, and it took 4 days for him and his partner to even get that 45%. And unfortunately for him, it's due Wednesday. I felt bad. Well I won't keep you out too long! "It's okay. I told my partner I had to do my thing and he said he had to do his thing. So it works out."

We pull into my complex while holding hands then someone in the complex is in the parking lot and we quickly let go of each others hand. Sorry! "It's okay, I don't want to get shot!" *laughs* (If you knew where I lived you'd understand). So we park and head into my place as I unpack my dinner and put on Heroes. We both watch earnestly as I gobbled down my dinner and he watched and asked me questions about the show (which I liked! :D). In the middle of the show I got a phone call from my bi-best friend (I need better monikers for my friends...note to self: next post, run down on the list of characters). He has me sit down in front of him and proceeds to massage my back. He's made several comments about how tense I am (I blame it on work and partly due to the life changing event a while back, I still need to get a damn expensive massage though...oy!!! >_<). He embraces me as he finishes off the massage. I definitely enjoy his company. We end the show...

Studio 60 starts and well it's not as compelling as Heroes (albeit despite me having met D.L. Hugely whilst at the golf driving range, but that's another story I should save for next time). We end up continuing more massages and him biting me on the nape of my neck twice. Ouch! Kinda kinky, so I slapped him on the arm. *laughes* He then later pulls me down to the floor next to him and we begin to kiss. I stare into his eyes. "What?" Nothing...I just like looking at you. *giggles* He kisses me on the forehead. "My back is hurting, let's go to your bed." Okay.

We lay down on my bed perpendicular to sleeping position. "Why do you always do that?" *laughes* Sorry! We finally lay right and start kissing again...

...

I lay there collecting myself as he goes to the bathroom and rinses out. He comes back and we cuddle. "Was it good?" Yah, really good! *giggles* He kisses me again on the forehead and pulls my pants up and I pull my shirt down. "I should go." But I lay there staring eagerly into his eyes. *he giggles* "Aww!" and plants another kiss on my forehead. I really do miss him! So we get ready to go. Get into the car and drive him back as we hold hands. I pull a left nearing to his house and he says..."Give me a kiss." *muah* We continue to hold hands until he gets out. He rushes out hurridly.

So that was my night with Mr. Right. But one thing though (actually, maybe several). I haven't the nerve to tell him I wanna take it slower. I told ElSenorJesse (ESJ herein, and this is not his SN so don't go bothering him!) I was feeling a bit like a man whore as Mr. Right and I keep ending up on the bed. But ESJ calmed my fears, slightly, stating:

ESJ: i think if you enjoy each other's company and have fun, then [...] can be a part of that
ESJ: if you are meeting up just to [...] wordlessly then maybe it would be whorish
ESJ: but if u go out, hang out, talk, get to know each other
ESJ: and then have [...]
ESJ: thats not whoreish
ESJ: but on the other hand
ESJ: you may not be ready for too much [...]...
ESJ: and by that i mean if you are figuring things out in your head... abt being gay and all that, if you are gay or bi or whatever,
ESJ: then the good feelings of [...] may confuse u even further

You can figure out the ellipses yourselves. And I think ESJ is right. The latter part is confusing me. I mean it's great and all...but I don't want to be just about that all the time. The cuddling, frolicking and kissing is fine as it stands. That makes me more happy than anything. But throw in the [...] and it just throws me for a loop! I don't want to be a jerk either but ESJ thinks that it may work out for me, one of two ways: 1) "he'll either accept [my] wishes and be content to hang out and kiss" or 2) "he'll piss off... in which case he's not worth it anyway." So next time we hang out (likely on Halloween if he decides he wants to attend his friend's party with me in tow or we go and do something else), I think I need to bring it up so I have at least some sense of selfworth in this situation. Anyone else got thoughts on this?!

fI

Confused...

So I'm thinking about this whole coming out thing and seeing someone.

It actually made me sad tonight.

So let me play it out for you all...

Actually, some back story first...

Saturday night...I had made plans with Mr. Right to hang out on Monday, which by the way is Heroes night and I wanted to be able to share that with him. So by being forward thinking I suggested we meet up Sunday night as well because they were doing a marathon showing of the first three episodes of Heroes. Great idea right?!

Fast forward...

Sunday evenings...7:35PM Crap I'm late! So I hop into my car and head out to his place to pick him up. I call as I get onto the main street to his place...Hey, what's up! I'm on my way! *excited* "Oh...uhhh...What?!" Oh, you're not home? "Nope, I'm at my friends." I thought we were gonna hang out tonight too? "Yah I'm actually working on something at my friends. How about we still hang out tomorrow?" Okay that's fine. Talk to you later then. *click*

Wow. I felt dumb. So I sent him a text: "My bad! I assumed we were still hanging out tonight. Sorry! But I miss you still!" No response.

So I sorrily drove myself home to a lonely evening. I couldn't get my mind off it and thought I had totally fucked up somewhere. So I spent my night making my dinner, doing laundry, watching The Amazing Race and Desperate Housewives. Wallowing in self pity and loathing myself.

*Edit*

So I just texted him. "Good night! I hope you're not mad at me. I'm sorry. :("

Reply: "Lol no not at all why would i? Hehe night night handsome"

"I thought I was coming on too strong. That's all. Don't mind me. I just really miss having you around. I'm a loser.

Reply: "Lol no your not ok don't worry i miss you to"

Okay...maybe I'm too easy. Easily excited and easily depressed. I probably should slow down this relationship because I think I'm gonna set myself up to get hurt in the end if some how things sour (which I hope they don't at all...EVER!!!). Oh and it doesn't help that this is my first real relationship in this realm...well relationship at all perhaps. And I'm probably setting too many expectations especially when I don't know what he and I are at the moment...

Now I'm debating on whether to post this dillusional entry...I guess I'll keep it up for a day...and read it again thereafter and see how retarded I sound when I'm more logical...sleep away some of my fears...And to quote Danity Kane's Ride For You: "Maybe I'm foolishly overreacting...But being without you I can't imagine...What it takes to get through, I gotta stick with you, my baby..."

fI

Just how I dreamt it...

I bet I left alot of you hanging from the last post. So well here it is...

6:30PM...I left work later than I planned. I had to get ready still. Crap! As anxious as I was, I made my way home as hurridly as I could. Then began a barrage of phone calls. First from my friend in Seattle, then my soon to be married Christian friend with text messages and calls from my date interspresed in between those phone calls. What do I wear?! Date calls: "You're not dressing up are you?" No? "Okay good!" *Laughing ensues* "Alright, just making sure, I'll see you soon!"

7:45PM...Hopped into the shower finally. Need to shower quick! Got that done and got dressed. Extra spritzs of cologne to make sure I smell good. Check. Go to mirror and check myself out. Check. Okay let's roll!

8:00PM...CRAP! I'm running late! Hop onto the freeway and take the first exit North. Holding the directions in front of me as I manuever myself off the freeway. ("Call me when you reach [fill in name of street]." is all I'm thinking.) Approaching the street, I have my cell in hand and dial, I'm at [fill in name of street]. "Okay..." (fill in with directions to his house). I u-turn to park in front of his house. "Okay I'll be out in a second." Okay. Eagerly anticipating him stepping out of his door...He's as handsome as his pictures. He gets in the car.

8:15PM...So maybe we can go eat somewhere around here then? "Sure, where do you wanna go?" I dunno...I can't think right now. (Heart is racing, never thought this day would happen). "Well what do you want to eat?" I dunno...how bout you? *laughing ensues* How about Jerry's Deli? "Sure, I don't care. Wait you haven't eaten there huh?" Nope, so it works! *smiles at date*

8:25PM...Get to Jerry's Deli and get sat down. Ice starts to break and we settle in. I finally find the courage to look him straight in the eye as we're talking about ourselves and cultural occurances and practices as we share some similar cultural/ethnic backgrounds. Lots of laughing. Did you notice everyone mean-mugging (giving us dirty looks) when we walked in? "Oh no, you get used to it." Oh...I pay and we get a box for his food. I head to the bathroom to wash up as he waits for me outside the restaurant. We hop back into the car to take out trip to our next destination...

~10PM...Get to Pt. Dume...Step out of the car...the sky filled with millons of stars...beautiful. We walk out towards the water. We find a spot and sit down apart from each other. We talk about various things trips we've taken, personal hobbies, finding one's self, guys he's been with situations. (See's date shivering) It's getting kinda cold, let me scoot over. "Yah!" *both scoot closer* He locks his arm in mine. He's rubbing my arm as we continue talking about various topics. He kisses me on the cheek. *blushes* *looks away* "What? What's wrong?" Nothing. *looks away again* "What?!" Nothing! *laughes* I'm fine...just this is new to me. "Oh okay." *looks away again* *he laughes at me* *I smile back with a big grin* *He pulls me in for a slow, sensual kiss* "How was that?" It felt good...it felt normal. "Good." Hold his hand. All these feelings rushing through my mind, my heart is racing. Just how I dreamt my first evening with a guy would be.

~11:05PM..."It's getting late we should go, you have work tomorrow." Okay. We get to the car and dust off and get our shoes back on. He grabs my hand and holds it in his lap as we talk and drive the long way back home. I didn't want to let go. As we drive on the freeway, Oh there's my exit. "Get off there then." Suddenly exits. Sorry bout that! "It's okay." We walk into my apartment and he takes it in and I apologize profusely several times as my place is a mess. "It's okay, it's nice. Homely." We go to my room for him to look. "I'm gonna sit here, I'm tired of sitting on the floor." I sit next to him. He pulls me down and we begin to kiss...

...

~2:30AM...We finished showering and got dressed. Get to my car and we continue to hold hands. I get to his place and one more kiss before he goes. He steps out and I wait for him to get into his house. I miss him already. I head back and grab a quick bite at Maccas (that's Aussie for McDonald's...Thanks Dan! :D) cause I was quite famished after all that. Two cheeseburgers and a small Mr. Pibb. I get home and plop in front of a computer and talk to my best friend. What a night...

You didn't think I'd give you all the details now would you?! I don't kiss and tell... ;) I sit here writing this and miss him alot. It was the perfect evening with an amazing guy. Perfect. Just how I dreamt it would be...

fI

Dreaming...

Someone pinch me...if this is a dream...I don't want to wake up...I think I found *him*!...

fI

Pickin' up the pieces...

So today, I decided I need to turn my shit (pardon my French) around. I had to pick myself off the ground and stop feeling so sorry for myself (due in part to the life changing event I had in September). And I needed that. I needed to stop wallowing and get a grip on myself and my life spiraling out of control. The change needed to happen. And now; sooner than later. The helicopter ride and what have you helped give me a turning point. And it couldn't have come sooner!

So today, I feel pretty accomplished personally (work-wise is another completely seperate question). I finally went to the gym after nearly a 5 month hiatus (due in part to several factors: a messed up ankle, time and well, in all honesty, lack of motivation aka laziness). So I ran on the treadmill for a good 45 minutes or so after work at 24 Hour Fitness. Definitely gotta keep it up so I can fit the CL standard...Haha...just kidding! That's bullshit anyways! :P

After that I hit up Target to buy some milk after my workout not caring that I was covered in sweat and probably stinking up a storm...well, not the latter, cause I know I don't smell as bad as some of the people at the gym *ugh*! Anyways...got home...did my thing and got dinner prepped. Watched an AMAZING episode of Heroes which I was totally looking forward to all day long!!! Also got some good news from my bi best friend! So that definitely added more to the positive pile of things to be happy about. But I still got a few more mini goals to accomplish today before I hit the sack: like a load of laundry, clean the bathroom and sleep at a decent hour. So with that, I am off. I leave you still with my last proposed topic: Self Image...

fI

P.S. And one more positive thing that made my day. The other hottie at work, who doesn't work in our office but was there today satelliteing, DROOL!!! He's handsome as hell and has the most beautiful eyes! He said "Hi" to me in the morning which made my day! Then as the day wound down he came back and said "Good night _____ _____ (insert my first and last name)!" And I was the only person he said bye to in my area! It just made me all chipper! :D HOT!

Up, up and away...

So a rest from my usual bland, unwittingly boring personal perspectives...

As per my life changing perspectives, I took it upon myself to change my life around a bit...I tried something different for once...and vastly different I might add.

So this past weekend I ventured with a friend who happened to have a helicopter pilot's license, who happened to take me with him to go fly in a helicopter. And this friend, I must thank him profusely for obliging in his usually busy schedule! (Might I add, that he fits my profile of handsome, out of reach men that I am longing to meet and be with.)

Helicopter Ride

Click on that image/link to see the pictures I took. It was an amazing ride! I needed something to make me feel alive. I already had a brush with death (5 weeks to the date) and I felt the need to make sure I do things in my life that I have yet to do. Maybe I need to make a list of things I need to do before I die like in "A Walk To Remember." Be at two places at once, see certain meteor shower that only comes every few hundred years, et all. Well in all seriousness, I kind of have. I have future goals, that I don't usually share with alot of people and I have adjusted my goals to how likely I can accomplish them as my situation stands. Currently, my large goal net, is to meet my Prince Charming...and so far it's been a hard, lonely, unforgiving, unrealistic feat...Next up: Self Image...

fI

Only skin deep....

In the last post I left open the thought of my superficiality. In all honesty, I think everyone is superficial to a point, more or less superficial depending on the person in question. I like to think I fall into the latter, with looks being the least important in a potential mate (but definitely helps). I think in my instance, since I'm delving into uncharted territories, I'd definitely like to find the man of my dreams (or at least someone in line with what I'm looking for.

Okay, I'm definitely not one to get caught up in looks but research says one's looks does play into one realizing another's potential as a mate. There's a study about women being able to tell how much testosterone a man has just by looking at his face. His face?! Wow...that's kind of ridiculous. But I digress. I mean I do have in my mind the pefect guy...several instances with friends of friends, friends, random guys on the street, at the bowling alley. But, with all this looking, I know I don't have or stand a chance. I definitely know I don't have the looks that the typical guy out there has or wants in whomever they're looking for. Maybe I'm not being confident in myself, but after having answered 48 Craigslist ads in the span of a month, with zero having written back, I definitely feel inadequate. Very, very inadequate.

I guess I will have to fit the mold in order to meet someone and/or the man of my dreams. I'll be a hopeless romantic for now...I can only wish that I find someone to be with soon...definitely longing for that affection from someone I can be with at night, someone I can call my own. Someone that will love me for me and that I can love with all my heart...

fI

When to say no...

So in the last post I left you with my next topic of discussion: Craigslist and guys (not to be confused with the two previous posts, one per each subject). I know I was saying that there isn't a decent guy to be found on CL. I'll come back to that thought in a minute.

But one friday night about a month ago I decided to be a bit more daring than usual and post up an ad looking for someone to hang out with and catch a flick. So come that night at 8PM still no emails. So I perused around CL looking for any glimmer of hope. Then I saw a sparkle: "Anyone wanna go to dinner and a movie?" Ding, ding, ding! I think we have a winner! So I reply to post stating I was looking for someone to catch a movie with (I skipped on dinner as I had eaten dinner just before then). So I sat refreshing my email to see if I got a response...10 minutes, 15 minutes...20 minutes...finally a response! So the barrage of emails begin. And we finally decide on a place and time. I go wash up, brush my teeth and mist myself with a spray of cologne...off I go!

I have to admit I was a bit weary the whole week during and then I finally got excited for the whole experience to happen. I drove down the main street towards the theatre, my palms slightly clamy, my heart slightly racing along with my mind. I get to the movie theatre and park. I slowly walk towards the front of the theatre looking around for the guy in the garb he had said he was wearing. So I waited inside the mall in front of the doors, looking around and feeling completely awkward waiting there, crowd surfing. Then I notice him as he walks in through the doors as he's on the phone waiting for me to pick up.

So we do the usual introductions, and walk towards the box office and chat it up while waiting in line to get tickets. Find out where he works and what he does...I barely revealed anything about myself (which I guess is a good thing since I'm still a bit weary of just throwing all of myself out there). Anyways, we got our tickets (my treat thanks to my winning MVP for an organization I volunteer for) and headed into the theatre. We sat down and chatted up a bit more...and that was it. The movie started and NOTHING happened. NOTHING! Well not like I really initiated anything, but this guy I'm assuming is older than me, but he didn't make any attempts to hold my hand, put his hand on my leg or anything. Wow. Just wow. I guess my perception of guys on CL are that they're willing to go the distance and well, this instance fell short.

Surprisingly, the night ended there and we talked about going out again and parted ways. Walk back to my car and start driving home. As I'm sitting in my car, my phone vibrates...a text: "Wish I worked up the courage to ask you if I could suck you off." WHOA! Okay, where was that in the theatre?! So I responded: "Well doesn't hurt to try right? I was hoping you would try something." And we exchanged several texts after that with some innuendos and double entendres.

Well the evening went well I think. But in all honesty (no offense to the guy) but he's not my type, or what I expected. But he's nice and he has been trying to get me to meet up with him again to hang out and probably try some things the last few weeks since.. And here I am trying to find someone else so I can give a legit reason that I'm with someone else. But no luck...everyone on CL is still the superficial and self absorbed as I had previously described. I guess I gotta keep on trucking....I'lll find him...soon...I hope. Next time on the blog: Am I just as superficial?!

fI

Eye candy...

So on my last post, I mentioned that I would be talking about guys. Guys, guys, guys! Ever since I've fully acknowledged and confirmed to myself that I'm bi-curious, I have been eyeing every guy within my sights. Well not every guy, but enough to make my head spin! Anyways, I have to say I've definitely found some eye candy and am easily distracted in various respects.

As of recent there has been various eye candies that have taken my attention. Recently, a coworker has caught my eye. I know he doesn't swing my way but there's no shame in being flirtatious, right? ;) I know I've made various attempts to state double entendres on various occassions of very suggestive nature. Luckily, he plays back and I know I definitely enjoy that! ;D

Another instance was at my best friend's sisters party, a guy caught my eye. Let's call him hC for "hottie Christian" (I'll get to the other part of the story on why I'm calling him this). And I definitely took a liking to him quick, albeit I was initially very shy in even talking to him in general (along with forgetting his name various times during the party). But lucky for me, my best friend broke the ice by initiating several rounds of Texas Hold 'Em. And lucky for me again, cause my best friend stepped away and left me to explains the rules of the game (which I did a piss poor job of doing btw). Anyways, this gave me an opportunity to look him right in the eyes and scope him out and my, my, my what a sight! :D Unfortunately, after dinner, everyone headed out to a movie and no more oogling hC (I would have gone to the movies but had dinner plans with the parents, which I should have postponed!!!). As far as the naming convention, hC definitely won't swing my way as he's a pretty hardcore Christian as confirmed by my best friend, both having gone to the same Christian high school. My best friend shot down my dreams, but like I told him, EYE CANDY! Not to mention hC has a very sexy voice! :D

And lastly (for this entry at least), another coworker, well someone in the Human Resources department at work (actually the recruiter who got me hired for my job) is what I like to call a DILF (Dad I'd Like to Fuck). Yes, he's a bit older, married with kids, but dayamn he is HOT! And his voice, as Dan (of the My Life in the Slow Lane blog) can attest to voices being sexy, was/is always mesmerizing! Love how his butt looks in dress pants at work....Just dreamy! Another instance of how I am easily swayed is from the other day. He stopped by my desk admiring the decorations in my cubicle and mentioned he's a fan of X-Men (and comic books in general, I'm assuming) and asked if he had seen the new one. Fortunately for me, he hasn't. SCORE! So I offered to let him borrow the copy of the third X-Men movie which I luckily left at my desk at work. Yes, I'm easily excited, but definitely some quality time! ;)

Apologies if the quality of this post downgraded my blog, but this shouldn't happen to often or at least I'll try not to. And speaking of Craigslist and guys...I'll save that for the next entry.

fI

Cruising...

Coming back to the topic I left off with on the last post...Craigslist (to be referred from now on as CL).

CL is quite the perplexing place to meet guys when you're not really out of the closet. Reading the various ads for immediate satifisfaction, VGLs, want dicks now...definitely a bevy of ads of people who want instant gratification. Then there are the few and far between ads which someone is looking for someone "genuine, real, normal" (And I quote these terms as to not confuse the reality in which they should really be used). So even these so called "genuine, real, normal" guys looking for an LTR or FWB (friends with benefits) are just as superficial as the former I mentioned. I have come to find even those "genuine" ones balked as soon as my response to them is returned. What gives?! I know there's those who have probably found someone through CL which isn't a total loss (e.g. Matt of Debriefing The Boys blog, found a decent guy during his summer in California).

So where are these guys? The guys who are far from superficial and who aren't looking for a quick fuck? WHERE?! I digress...back to the point. Where does one look or go to find the guy for them? Do we have to chance meeting our perfect guy as we're walking down the street? In the men's section of your favorite store? A local hang out? I definitely am not the type to hit the gay scene or go to bars in general. I think I've tired of playing games after doing all my partying in college. I feel I have put myself more out there even by answering ads on CL (even my best friend said that's completely out of character for me). My bi friend says to be careful too. I can say that I have met one guy. But in all honesty, no offense to him, not my cup of tea. First time meeting someone through CL. It wasn't too awkward, having met in public. Definitely need to continue throwing myself out there without getting too much attention.

I don't think I'm terribly handsome or in this case VGL. I think I'm quite average looking, possibly even cute if categorized. I have my moments. In all honesty, I just wanna meet a decent guy, who's not crazy, not totally into himself, or too terribly into the scene. I'm quite complacent sitting at home, watching a movie and cuddling with my man. Is that so hard? Well, gotta keep on trying right? Maybe I'll get lucky and find the man of my dreams. Speaking of men...I'll blog about that next entry.

fI

P.S. To confirm (well not completely) my accusations of superficiality, read this article here, a case study by a blogger regarding the CL community. Quite some poignant results to his albeit skewed results. Also check this other web article regarding bloggers in general and how "smart" we all really are and how linking back to one's blog from another site proves it's quality quotient. And thanks go out to Matt of Debriefing The Boys for letting me add him to my blog links! :D

Inagural...

So where do I begin? I have a new found outlook on life that's slowly starting to expand and pull me in directions I wouldn't normally have explored before. I have to attribute this courage though, to a recent life changing/altering event that's made me change the way I'm thinking about things and definitely approaching my feelings.

So I think i've been denying myself for several years now. But it is only until recently that I, myself have come to terms with it. And by it, I mean...I am bi-curious. Yes, there I said it. I came out to a world unbeknownst to me who each of you are and where you're from and what kind of experiences each of you have had or that I can learn from. I know there are those of you right now that are probably screaming "You're either gay or straight, you can't ride the fence." And with this, I can say I still am a virgin in both respects. So now there are those of you who are probably screaming even more saying "How do you know if you've never tried either?" Well, my feelings are definitely strong for guys right now.

As far as coming out goes, I've told 3 people so far: Three of my best friends. All three, thankfully, have been totally cool and accepting. One of them is bi (I had come to find out), so he definitely accepted me with open arms. And with telling my most trusted friends, I definitely feel the weight of the world slowly but surely being lifted off my shoulders. With this new found freedom (per se), coupled with the life changing event I had last month...I am definitely exploring the possibilities of getting into a relationship with a guy...something long term, definitely not the one night stands one is prone to on Craigslist...But we'll save that for the next entry...

fI