Sunday, November 05, 2006

Meanings and Realizations...

So I feel rejected, used and abused. Why you may ask? Well, let me tell you...

The last time I saw Mr. Right Now was October 23rd, when he came over and shared my evening with me to watch Heroes which was a great evening, that I don't doubt.

Now fast forward to today, two weeks later I haven't heard from him aside from a stray text on October 30th. Okay I don't know if I'm being clingy, said something wrong or I dunno what to think now from the days that all these thoughts and feelings transpired.

One thing I feel completely rejected, cause well, already having low self esteem, and then having gotten with Mr. Right Now, it was definitely going against what I have thought all along: that I am not hot or even have what it takes to find a boyfriend. And now this...being ignored. My self worth is fluctuating and it's definitely stammering my thoughts on whether I will be accepted regardless of looks...

Secondly, I feel used. Yes, used! My first time EVER with a guy was with Mr. Right Now, and I definitely feel like I was used as a quick lay. FUCK I'M STUPID! I gave it up so easy now that I look back. I didn't even stop him. And I guess that's where my previous thoughts had come up to tell him to slow down as I felt like I threw it all away in one night and it meant nothing to him. And my fears are definitely coming true. What I had thought was something special was taken from me and I will never get back. Ever.

Lastly...abused. I lay my whole self on the line...and for what? Losing "it" all in one night and a bj in the span less than a week. And two weeks later, what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I haven't had a thought spared for me the last two weeks. Not a text, not a call...nothing. I definitely feel embittered.

ESJ said to give Mr. Right Now benefit of the doubt, that hey may be busy. And I have tried to believe that. But in all honesty, how hard is it to call someone back and say that you are busy and that you'll get back to them as soon as you are free? Is it that hard?! I left him a message today:

"Hey, it's fI. Calling to say hi and see how you're doing. I haven't heard from you in a while, so I just wanted to catch up. I know you've been getting my phone calls. I mean if you don't want to talk to me ever again, that's fine I can understand. At least just tell me so I know. Thanks. I'll talk to you soon. Bye."

Okay, I know what you're thinking. That sounded desperate right? Well, if anything I want closure so I can just move the fuck on. That's all I want. I don't want to be strung along thinking there's something there (or that I thought something was there) and to only have my heart broken. What's even more fucked up is Mr. Right Now said he had been cheated on in his last relationship two years ago. I guess the shoe's on the other foot. Is it that hard to find a decent guy around here?

Is it?!...

fI

2 comments:

The Accidental Activist said...

Alas, an occupational hazard. We live and learn, crash and burn, get dumped, get humped, cry and try again...

When this kind of thing happens (and who knows, give him some time yet), I think it's useful to remind yourself that it's better to have tried and failed, than to fail having never tried. Chin up, there are more beautiful men out there than we can ever imagine.

In the meantime, chocolate, a duvet, a shoulder to cry on and a diva like tantrum will get you over the worst of it...

firstimpre55ion said...

Funny you mention the chocolate...I had some Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey...soon enough my fluffy, blue blanket and getting cozy in it...But before that...a nice, hot shower to wash away today's events, memories (good and bad) and just relax...Wow that made me sleepy...haha :D Thanks AA! ;)