Monday, February 19, 2007

"But who [fI], are you?!"

"Roger: They say Mark's in love with his work;
They say Mark lives for his work;
They say Mark hides in his work...

Mark: From what?

Roger: From facing your failure;
From facing your loneliness;
Facing the fact you live a lie...

Yes you live a lie! Tell you why!

You're always preaching not to be numb
But that's how you thrive!

You create and you learn
but you're really detached from feeling alive!

Mark: That's because I'm the one of us to survive..."

Not that I'm trying to live my life off a Bohemian idealogy retold in a powerful musical, but who am I right now? I mean, really, who am I?

Sometimes, I'm so far removed from myself I'm not sure who or what I am at the moment. The hiatus that has happened between finding out in early December of my condition to January getting my surgery, I had to put alot on hold. My dreams and aspirations; my plans; my life on complete hold. And it is now, that I am able to step back and find clarity through everything...or at least attempt to.

It's like when I got back to work this past Wednesday, my manager instructed me to clear out 3,701 emails that were in my inbox. After skimming it through to take out any important emails and the like, it felt really good to be able to start over. Nearly a whole month and two weeks worth of emails constituted to nearly four thousand emails, many of which happened to contain alot of triviality in the principal ends to a means. In partcular, a sales rep who time and time again, manages to reprimand and accost everyone on the team when his balmy effort of a sale falls to the wayside because he can't convince the client to pay above rock bottom prices. If he had made the initial effort to get the client up to par, would he have to question everyone's motive now that the account may fail? And when it does come to it, why does he blame everyone else full well knowing he sold them at greatly discounted rates?

I digress, although that may be a lack luster parallelism to life, but I feel it is quite fitting. Why do we at times wait until it's too late to make any resolve in a situation? Why do we let it linger til it's beyond any comprehension to recover what we can? It's not that we willing do, but for myself, it feels like I am shrouded by so many other "important" things, that the really important things fall to the way side.

Having had to go on medical leave, I had gotten passed up at work for being the pioneer of this new team within the group I am working in. Unfortunately, I have no control over that. I was hoping to spearhead the team into a well organized, best practice-following group of individuals to shine under the leadership I know I am potentially able to reflect. But now I see it slipping ever so slightly as April is quite a ways before I am reconsidered. That was my break I was looking for to get me to the next level. Do I stay where I am established at and become a new found leader or do I try to make waves in a team that is starting sail off into the distance and play catch up?

I may sound quite shallow in basing my personal life based on professional life, but I have huge aspirations that I have given a back seat due to various circumstances as of late and previously. I am itching to be noticed and received; in my personal and professional lives. I always try to give it my all...110% of myself, but for now I am only able to play catch up in this cat and mouse chase...

But, I will definitely not give in so'll see.



Mattay said...

You know, my friend, putting one's life on hold for six weeks, eight weeks, eight months, a year, is small in the grand scheme of living. Things happen over which we have no control. And sometimes they happen for a reason.

When I was 37, I was diagnosed with cancer. Long story short, it was something I had no control over. But it was the reason why after 37 years on this earth, I finally established a good relationship with my parents. I put that relationship on hold for 37 years. That's not insignificant in the grand scheme of living.

Regarding your itch, sometimes an itch is just an itch. But I've learned that an itch is not always a good thing. It's okay to have an itch as long as you know how to scratch it. You need to think about the itch before you decide how to scratch it - you can either satisfy it or you can aggravate it. Just know when to stop scratching.

Go slowly, it will all come to you in passing.


Anonymous said...


well i had written you a nice comment, but then blogger ate it.

i love you.
take care, okay?
things will work out in the end,
screw bosses and stupid sales reps.
you're going to be okay :) and that makes me very very happy.

Anonymous said...

p.s. its emw. :D